A Journey of 'Gray'ce

In April 2001 my second tower collapsed, I was laid off from my job. The first collapsed less than one year before with the end of my marriage of 18 years. The blueprint for my life, it seemed left out in the rain blurring all the lines of permanence, stability and structural integrity. A clean slate? At the time I couldn't see it that way. To me it just looked like one big ink pool mess.

I spent the next 12 months sitting on my suburban sofa wondering, "how did I get here?" I began a journey of self inquiry, delving deeper and deeper, questioning everything, wanting immediate answers to those questions and looking for clarity. That became my thing, looking for clarity. Reflecting back on that now, how absurd it sounds. Really, how does one 'look' for clarity?

With 44 years into my life journey everything I had come to know and depend on was in transition and on the way out, marriage, job and, worst of all, the children - no one ever really talks about that when in reproduction mode. My oldest was already out on his own and the youngest was in the middle of my crisis in his last semester of high school and already living his own life. It all just seemed to be way too much. So that couch looked good!

As I sat in the contemplative couch position waiting for clarity to show up, I wished for a book. A book filled with the wisdom of women that could show me the way. The way through to what was next. In that quest I did come across such a book and the title oddly enough was 'What's Next?' The book certainly filled the bill with stories from women in life transitions although I found I just couldn't relate since many of them were of celebrity status. What I wanted was the everyday woman, her story, about what she knew, what she learned and how she grew. As far as I could see this book I yearned for did not exist.

By the end of 2001, my life wasn't the only thing in transitional turmoil, so were the lives of my children and on a grander scale, our country. Shifting my pain to power I ventured out into the world with a passion to promote positivity, which we all were in dire need, and, of course, to save the world! That mission started with the co-development of a positive message company designing T-shirts for children branded with positive and empowering messages about community, responsibility, creativity and more. The line made it onto the shelves of Kids ‘R’ Us and the Bon Marche, an absolutely amazing accomplishment. However, the post 9/11 economy did not support the future of a new brand, no matter how important we thought it was for a much needed paradigm shift and don't forget about saving the world!

Fast forward a few years as I made my way back into corporate America as Creative Director of a branding and marketing firm. I led the interviews of the people behind their future logos. It was during this time I became fascinated with the people I was interviewing and their real life stories. Their past, unique and qualified journeys to the present moment and where they wanted to go from there. Still finding my own way back (to where was still a mystery) and feeling plagued by my circumstances, I had an idea for a book. THE book, the one I couldn't find in 2001 with the wise women, and I would call it 'Extra Ordinary Women'. Yes, why not write my own book and in the process I would find the women who could provide me mentorship. Once in print, it would be there for other women like me.

I made my first phone call to my former high school coach and approached her about being interviewed for the book. She said "I'm flattered but I am just not that interesting." What she didn't know was she became one of my early mentors and now I wanted to know more, more than my 17 year old self and perspective came away with.

As I became deeper and deeper entrenched in the 9 - 5 work life, the book 'Extra Ordinary Women' was put on the back burner. One night, six years, three or four entrepreneurial businesses later and approaching the mid-century mark, complete with menopause and making the choice to let my hair grow out naturally, I had a dream. It was so clear that upon waking I grabbed my pen and journal and wrote this: Aging 'Gray'cefully, 22 women, 50+, going gray. In addition I sketched out the design and layout as it had been delivered in the dream - the name and age of the woman, her story on one side and her portrait on the adjacent page. There it was, divinely divulged to me. It took me one year to find the first woman and the rest is history in the making.

This book is the story of the women I wanted to read about and be encouraged by years earlier and in the process I realized I had became one of them.

The Shadow Side of Life

A shadow, whether belonging to a person or object, distinctions disappear. They are ageless, genderless, and colorless. All outwardly characteristics erased, casting out discrimination caused by perception and judgment. The shadows altered only by the surfaces they grace. Imagine two figure shadows meet, no hair color, eye shape, eye color, or skin color to compare and contrast. The shadow, a great equalizer and a common bond created by 'one' source given indiscriminately to all.

"Within the shadows, the mind, seer, objector, discriminator, judger is quieter -- quieted. And in that moment is when we are free to truly see."

Umbrella of Love

Jack and Randa live across the parkway from me. A lovely couple steadfast in their love for one another. They have been together for a very long time, as they are now well into their 80s. Veteran neighbors rumor they have been together since early childhood. I see them together everyday and always they are joined by their limbering fingers.

Last summer Randa had an untimely surgery with effects from that showing up early this spring. I could see the signs of stress appearing outwardly. Her skin color and condition were not good and unlike her usual healthy coiffe, thin leafy-like stands were sprouting out. I could see the concern coming from Jack as he spread his healthy energy and love over her with an umbrella of healing green and purple hues. Jack seemed to grow bigger and stronger casting his enduring love over Randa, sheltering her and sending her the strength to recover from the hallowed depths they share.

As we move into the summer season Randa is at last beginning to show signs of marked improvement. Her fragility passing once again into the more familiar strong colorful features, making their way back to the surface. This couple is a wonderful example how the power of a deeply rooted love can heal all wounds. I'm certain now that Randa will be in full bloom once again.

Author's Note: Jack and Randa are the names I have given to the pair of Jacaranda trees that live on the City Parkway in front of my house, Casa Milagro. Randa lost one of her roots last year in a battle with the city sidewalk which was torn up and her root hacked with clumsy equipment then covered with hot asphalt. We weren't sure (Jack and I) if Randa would recover. As Jack was in full 'Purple Rain' bloom and Randa was barely sprouting green leafs. I am happy to report that although she is a little thin this year - she finally sprouted some purple blooms of her own and by this time next year she will be in 'full-bloom'!

Jack & Randa

Jack & Randa

Randa

Produce on the Parkway™

I have an idea to launch...yes another one. The title of this Blog - "Produce on the Parkway™" is describing the treelined City owned (but not maintained) parkway areas that aesthetically are supposed to be pleasing. However, as a corner lot owner I have one side that remains unmaintained by me and is seasonally occupied by assorted weeds and other green plant life. This is where I would like to see edible plants and dwarf fruit trees growing and build our own neighborhood market.

I have recently pulled out flowers and replaced those plantings with food sources - specifically broccoli, snap peas, beets and lettuce. There may be a need now for signs saying "Please don't pee on the produce" and "Take something, leave something" Although we have a community garden nearby, it is a closed community so my big idea is to solicit other neighborly neighbors to plant some edibles in a few open spaces in the parkway - or even in their yard and participate in food sharing. Rather than be overwhelmed by the idea of a big garden, which of course some of my neighbors already forge from, but even if it is in a porch planter or two. At a recent trip to the Farmer's Market - Karen from Urban Plantations spoke of lettuce as a great ground cover.

More to follow on this concept of Produce on the Parkway™.

Life is a Dance in Progress.....Sometimes slow, sometimes a two-step, and at times even with glow sticks!

The year 2008 was in many ways a year filled with reflection, a year marking the end of one song and the beginning of another. Realizing that it had been eight years since I had separated and ultimately ended an 18 year marriage and squinting my eyes for a moment pondering the questions – “What have I been doing? And, “How did I get here?” Oddly enough this same time period also coincided with an 8-year political reign; however, that is not my focus. Despite what can perceivably be put off as political, societal, or economic blame, the power to wake up to the music of our life comes only from one place, and that place resides within each of us.

Most of 2000 was spent sitting on the sofa in the suburban jungle, a place that had become so familiar, dependable, and constant. I now faced a new reality of uncertainty and loss. Unfamiliar lyrics sounding through my head, the channel had been changed and was left wondering where my music went – accompanied by sad silent utterances, “But that was the song I knew.”

Back to that moment last year when I took a snapshot look at my life, most likely on one of those downer, bad radio play days and decided to journal just what the heck I had been doing over the last 8 years. The list of should haves, and have nots growing like weeds in my mind. To my surprise I had been dancing all over the place, to all genres of music! Beyond the country station melodies of life gone wrong, being done wrong or going down the wrong rode. I had been fully dancing with life.

My dance card had taken me out of one career and put me into another, and another and another. I fell in love. I'd sampled the cultural melodies of Spain, France, Italy, Mexico, Hawaii, Jamaica, and Grand Cayman with my trusted companion – the camera. My photography moved from hobby to profession, winning both awards and getting published! I purchased and moved into my dream home, Casa Milagro. I turned 50 and fabulous, went through menopause, and began working on two books. I am filled with so many ideas these days, I fret I may not get to them all. There was much more; however, my point in all of this only is to share the idea of reflection with you dear reader. And during seemingly stagnant moments in life, what radio stations call dead air time, to take a glance back with our own unadulterated eyes and sing a song of praise. This, not for purposes of egoic stroking, more as a point of rejuvenation of our spirits, the fortitude to take the next step forward, and permission to turn the music up loud and often, as life is a dance in progress.

A Sense of Ovulation

In June of '07, after returning from my glorious birthday trip to Paris, celebrating the 50th year of my earthly life, another milestone occurred - menopause! Hooray I thought - I have been praying this would happen. Having already fertilized two eggs, both harvested now to the ripe old ages of 30 something and twenty something, I figure it's time to retire from the egg making business. I swear all of my thinking about this brought it about - and frankly I didn't care how it got here!

Approaching almost two years of freedom from those monthly ovulatory board meetings, in the end which seemed to last forever with nothing ever going anywhere, maybe you can relate. And of course, there is a huge transition that comes with retirement. Sleepless nights, mid section weight gain, wee bit of the crazies. And what is with the broken thermostat?

So just when I think I have retired as C.E.O., "Chief Executive Ovulator" of my own factory, there is this familiar fallopial feeling that seems to come out of nowhere, a pang that catches me off-guard - AND due in part to the mental-pause I 'forgot' to mention above, I think..."what the hell is that?" Shortly after the senior moment passes, I remember the 30+ years spent on the job, dropping eggs every month, month after month, year after year, and I recognize that 'we' - me and my fallopian family are still trying to eek out just one more egg...with some automatic (no one consulted me on this matter) sense of ovulation!