Living in Community

From Casa Hogar

On the return drive home from my recent visit to an orphanage in Tijuana, a thought struck me (of course far more than one, but I won't talk about the rest now) about living in community. It may be difficult to understand the relevance of my point that's coming, but I get it or I wouldn't be writing about it.

Driving in and out of this unasphalted part of the city, the scene was complete with skinny roaming dogs with their teets hanging low from their last litter, the smell of raw sewage and houses that look like the remnants of the latest natural disaster. It appears just as it had in the 60s when I would accompany my grandmother on her weekly treks to Tijuana as she performed her mindful acts of mercy. Over forty years of progress in the world and virtually no detectable change here. That is something to ponder in and of itself.

The hacienda, as they refer to the orphanage, was started by an angel of a woman and nun, Madre Virginia. As we entered the main dining hall we were greeted by her beaming face and her whispered words of "Bienvenidos, bienvenidos!" Madre Virginia inherited this property from her family and she took it upon herself to take in children who could not be cared for by their parent(s) or were taking refuge from acts of domestic violence.  As I understand the history she began with 10 children and today, to her surprise, there resides 97 children. Infants to teens, boys and girls and she provides refuge to women of domestic abuse and violence. These women are responsible for a certain number of children in addition to their duties of cooking and cleaning in payment for their residence here. I had a quiet conversation with one of the women who was busy making chile verde, my personal favorite, and it was incredible. I couldn't help but notice the deep scars embedded along the side of her head, right at the temple. Many scars, unlike these, from abuse however are not always visible.

The children at Casa Hogar are not adoptable as they legally belong to their parents, so they reside at the hacienda, in this community of safe harbor with many brothers and sisters, mothers, friends and teachers. They will live here until they can safely return home or come of age. And oddly, not to minimize how they got there, their resilience is obvious and they seem happy. They are cared for, well fed, they are safe and above all they are not alone, they are living in community.

As I wove through the sea of children with my camera it became instantly clear that they were no different than any other child. Little boys wrestling, creatively fashioning shoes out of potato chip bags, little girls playing with their baby dolls and the teen girls all posing like models. With the main meal about to be served, all 97 children gathered and were seated for the blessing of the food and served all at the same time. An amazing feat considering some people can't even handle just two children at meal time. Communal dining, a thing to behold. A ritual, albeit on a grander scale, that I for one truly miss. I am sincere when I say, I would much rather dine with all of these people within the spirit and intention of all that was there, in exchange for dinner for one in the comfort and silence of my lovely home. Our life in America, I believe has moved so far from the idea of community with many people brainwashed into believing that they are perfectly happy being alone. I think they are lying.

My grandmother used to say when I was quite young "You are born alone and you die alone." Even at the ripe old age of 8, those words cut through me like a knife. It bothered me then and it bothers me even more now. As technology expands and with self-help modalities at an all time high, there seems to be more and more of a "Me first, me only, I must love myself first - mantra" at play. Protection of "my time, my space", the fear of committing, fear of loving, fear of being a social being. And by social I don't mean...by phone, by text, or by internet!

"Hi my name is Lori and I am a social being who loves sharing time, space, food, thoughts and words with others, in person!" The room responds, "Hi Lori!" A new 12-step program in the making. Learning how to return to our natural state of being. I loved living my life in community, with my parents, as a married woman, with my children and even a brief time with a man I thought I would have as a life partner. Am I alone here? Pun intended. There are entirely too many people I know that, I believe have convinced themselves that they love living along, being alone, eating alone, thinking alone, watching a sunset alone. I believe there is a lie being told here and it is breeding alarming rates of discontent and separation on this planet. A protection mechanism shutting off the natural energetic flow from one human being to another. Seriously, if you need some space, and I'm not saying I haven't needed it from time to time, but that's what places like bathrooms are for. I miss those days when I would hear the little voices on the other side of the locked bathroom door after a long day at work calling, "Mommy, mommy." Quickly fading to the drone of running bath water as their dad would whisk them away. Creating private space is not hard to find, but apparently finding someone to share space/life with is. The further we go into cyber space, the less opportunity we have to share physical space with others and the more it seems people are finding some comfort in hiding behind the computer.

I have done my time living alone, convincing myself that I too must ignore my natural way of being. I want to share my life, a home and the ten-thousand words left over at the end of the day. No apologies. I fear that our community of human beings has been convinced that this is the new norm, that a dog or two cats is the way to go and the growing fear of love and intimacy will continue to keep us apart. Sounds like a grand scheme of divide and conquer. I like who I am, how I think, what I stand for and I want to share it, all of it. Keeping it all to ourselves is just selfish. There are many sayings that express and support my thoughts and feelings about this. Here are just a few I thought I would share:

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." - the Buddha

"There is no delight in owning anything unshared." - 1st Century Roman Emperor

"The magnificent colors in a sunset are profoundly magnified when seen and shared in the presence of another." - Lori Brookes

I would trade a lifetime of meals with the children in Tijuana who are 'living in community', for the sometimes seemingly endless and all too quiet dinners and conversations alone, haunting my days.